Article for April, 2007

Empowering Girls to Get Along

By Amy Dunne, M.A., National Certified Counselor

"You're not my friend!" "Three's a crowd!" "I can't believe she said that!" These are three of the many social phrases/issues you as a parent, educator, or other influential adult may notice are endemic to girls and that cross all socioeconomic and cultural boundaries. Through my years as a teacher, school counselor, and behavioral consultant, I have witnessed powerful trends in behavior from the wealthiest schools in the country to the most impoverished families and everywhere in between. Since childhood, I have been fascinated by the dynamics among girls of all ages. I first became a pre-school teacher in order to witness the beginning of socialization among groups outside of the home. I learned that many social issues and behaviors become evident there and are then reinforced throughout development. I chose to become a school counselor so that I would have the daily opportunity to educate and instill in young girls the social tools that would help them successfully navigate through any social situation with confidence and grace.

As parents and influential adults, let's focus on these three tricky situations that we frequently encounter with young girls. Here are some tools you can share with girls to help them get out of these situations and stay focused on the positive!

1. You're not my friend! I am sure parents and educators have heard this said a time or two between girls at some point. These words are thrown around a lot in elementary school and can truly hurt feelings. I've seen this phrase used beginning in pre-school and continuing through sixth grade. I often hear girls asking other girls, "Are you still my friend?"

Let's first talk about where "You're not my friend" comes from. It is often said out of frustration or anger when one playmate doesn't get what she wants out of the interaction. It is most common among girls who do not have the language to express their complex feelings. This is what I call the on-again, off-again friend. Now, when girls ask one another, "Are you still my friend," we witness the insecure friend —who is more socially vulnerable—asking the more dominate friend if she is still "worthy" of her friendship. There are many tools that can be help girls avoid this constant rubber band relationship. You can help girls by teaching them to:

• Own their feelings! ("I felt/feel ___________when I didn't get invited").
• Express their feelings at the proper time, place and using the right words.
• Understand what they want and know how to express it! ("You need to stop pulling my braids, I don't like it.").
• Have a plan.
• Know specifically who to turn to for help/guidance when they get stuck!

2. Three's a crowd! What I mean here is that balancing a friendship among three is a bit more complicated than balancing a relationship between two. What happens here is that one friend can often feel left out while another friend is the "sought after playmate." Why does this happen? Well, you may have noticed that every girl wants to belong and feel wanted. A trio can often create a power struggle…who will play with whom and who in the end is excluded. Of course, there are well functioning trios of girls…this is the ultimate goal. So the girls you know can be part of a "well-functioning" group encourage them to:

• Take turns honoring the interests of each friend so no one feels as if their interests aren't important.
• Offer an invitation to each friend letting them decide if they are able to come…exclusion hurts!
• Spend time learning the likes and dislikes of one another and respecting them.
• Give each other space when they need it … without an attitude!
• Be honest and communicate their feelings when you feel them…don't wait until you want to explode!

3. Spreading rumors! This is a biggie. For some girls, it is very tempting to pass on a bit of "top secret" information to someone who doesn't know…only to let them know that they knew first! Complicated, yes, but unfortunately very common. When this happens, a lack of trust and sometimes a lot of resentment builds in the relationship. The person whom was "talked about" feels violated and confused as to who she can trust. Here are a few things you can reinforce with girls:

• Rumors hurt! Each girl probably has their own story.
• Keeping private information between friends WILL stop rumors…It's that simple!
• Make trust the core of a good relationship.

All of these issues can be successfully addressed in many ways. Two of my favorites are through the relationship between adult and child as well as through a multi-faceted counseling program within the school setting. I have a few tips for parents and influential adults:

• Establish healthy boundaries with your child.
• Make yourself available.
• Meet your daughter where she is emotionally and developmentally!
• Listen. Really listen.
• Validate your daughter's feelings AND experiences. What may seem minimal to you may be monumental to them.
• Respect your daughter's likes and dislikes even if they are different than yours!
• Check back in privately…NOT at the dinner table.
• Adults/Parents need to have open lines of communication …know your daughter's friends' parents!
• Model appropriate behavior…they are watching you!

In my opinion, the most powerful programs are those that work directly within the social dynamics that they are trying to address. This works because you are teaching the whole population a set of tools and change is contagious! Working with girls from schools all over a county can actually make change more difficult. One child will return to their school with the necessary tools, but the other children won't know how to participate or react to these methods since they haven't been established, practiced and reinforced through group work.

One of the biggest myths about adolescence is that these issues are "just a part of growing up." They don't have to be…we need to have higher expectations for our youth! We should expect nothing less than for our daughters to respect others and be respected themselves. One of my biggest missions as a counselor and educator is to influence children to take the time to get to know each other, respecting and appreciating each other's differences. Our children should be civil to each other and we as adults need to take time to model it.

Current as of April 2007